On Conquering Fear

This morning just before I woke up for the day I had a strange dream. The chant “Om Namo Nityananda” (properly titled Nityanandam Brahmanandam”) was playing in the background throughout the dream. I was attending an outdoor Catholic mass which was being celebrated by the priest who has known me since I was nine years old, Father Stephen Halabura. I was sitting behind him on the alter.

When it came time for the Gospel Acclamation, a prayer or “Allelujah” that is sung just before the priest reads from one of the gospels of the New Testament, Father Halabura called me up to the alter to read a passage I had written about the importance of Jesus’s teachings which the gospels are based on.

I walked up and stood at the actual alter to speak, not at the lectern that the lectors usually stand at. The scene was coming into clearer view for me. I had to peer through an opening to see the congregation in front of me. The sky was clear but growing darker. I began to speak. The passage I wrote was only one paragraph long. Father Halabura sat behind me as I spoke. As I continued to read, I noticed that what I wrote was actually a page and a half long, the typical length of one of my meditation writings. As I continued to read, I would occasionally lose my exact spot. During those times, I would ad lib my speech, adding a flair of emotion to my words to hide my momentary “lost”-ness.

When I was halfway through the speech, the sky had become so dark that I could no longer read clearly. I saw a light bulb with a cord attached to it hanging down over my head. I reached up and pulled the cord to turn the light on. As I turned back to my paper, I was surprised to see how much I had actually written. This was only supposed to be a brief introduction. Instead, it was an entire lesson. As the church scene faded out, the chanting of Nityananda’s name continued on in the background. I soon woke up to face the new day.

I thought to myself, “Wow, what a blessed way to start the day!” But then I realized something very humbling: today was just another day in the life of an autie. I spent the next thirty minutes just lying there in bed, recounting my life which, despite rays of hope and moments of upsets, never seemed much to talk about; I’ve been driving around in an airplane that never got off the ground in fifty years. So too on this day, nothing is different.

Despite all the time I spent on the ground, I always knew that I was THIS close to losing everything. I had ALWAYS had someone show up in my life at the right time to rescue me from total doom or to give me a chance at something, even if it was just a chance to have a bed to sleep in. The best lesson I’ve learned in this lifetime so far is to not fear. Near the time I was born, I learned very quickly to not fear illness. I don’t know how old I was or which illness it was (I had many in my early childhood), but I remember an event (or was it a dream) when two angels comforted me. They even showed me what Heaven was like. It was all so fascinating – a place without pain, a place without fear. I never feared illness again, neither when I had open heart surgery in 1981 nor when I suffered a stroke in 2009.

When I underwent a heart procedure in 1999 to correct the worst case of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome that Dr. Francis Marchlinski, a world expert in cardiac arrhythmias, has ever seen, I again was oh so close to my death. Now during such procedures, they may play music that the patient likes in order to make the patient comfortable. My choice was the Guru Gita followed by the chant Govinda Jaya Jaya. At the point when Dr. Marchlinski warned me that this may be the end, I simply lied back and said to Gurumayi, “All I ask is that I get to meet Baba on the way out.” And just like that my heart started beating normally again. Dr. Marchlinski and his entire staff stood there in awe, wondering what had just happened.

Fear of illness and fear of death have no grip on me. But there were other fears to conquer. During my times of wandering here and there, trying to start practices to no avail, between 2000 and 2001, I always had my parents’ home to go back to temporarily. The first time I was truly “homeless”, in October of 2001, I was blessed to work in an office, my office at the truck stop, that had its own private shower facility. When I was in fear of losing even that much, I met my (former) wife Bianca. During my almost ten years of marriage with her, I learned that I had autism. That alone was a huge prayer answered. I finally, after 45 years, knew why I was so “different”.

Now I am here in Arizona. I shared in my last writing what brought me here. But the story doesn’t end there. There were more fears to conquer. Again I was faced with homelessness, and I was taken in by an understanding friend. Also faced with being penniless, I would go about my days sulking that I would be unable to manage – unable to eat, unable to go anywhere, unable to have opportunities to promote myself. Only by budgeting my last few dollars, and on some days pennies, do I manage to keep going, somehow. Thanks to having two regular patients at this point, I know that I will have something to live on.

People may wonder why I am unable to find part-time employment. When in Minnesota, as here in Arizona, people feel quite queasy about working with a guy who is SUPPOSED to be a doctor but ended up being a security guard at a theater (something I did for 18 months in downtown Minneapolis). Most companies just don’t bother calling, rationalizing that I would be gone in just a couple weeks when I finally have this whopping successful practice.

I would say that I conquered all fear. Illness, death, homelessness, pennilessness, and even lack of credibility. Yes, the fear of lack of credibility also came into play on those occasions when people would walk out of my office saying, “You’re not a real doctor.” Having autism is hard enough. Having nothing else is even harder.

John Milton once wrote, “Farewell Hope, and with Hope farewell Fear.” Well, even though I said farewell to my fears, hope can never die. I have a Gurudeva. Despite having absolutely nothing in the worldly sense, or even in a mind-ful sense, I have EVERYTHING in the spiritual sense.

Jesus said, “He who has no concern for his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.” (John 12:25, The Lamsa Translation) While I cannot say that I am not concerned, by concern paying me no mind I guess I have no place here. It doesn’t mean that I will leave it like someone who has lost even hope. I have not lost hope that I have a purpose here. If God had deemed that I had none left, then I would not be here. But I do know that I may be reconnecting with Siddhaloka once I leave this world.

Sadgurunath Maharaj Ki Jay!

 

A New Life Begins

In a dream I had on December 26, 2002, my Guru told me, “Do not stop telling me what is happening in your sadhana (spiritual journey).” At that point in time, I was beginning a new life. I had been practicing Siddha Yoga for only four years, I was in practice as a chiropractor for only 2-1/2 years, I had been married for only six months, and I had been living in Minnesota for only four months. What I wrote about that dream was the 131st “meditation email”, as I used to call them, in a series of sharings that I included in a work called “My Personal Experiences As A Siddha Yogi”. Since then, I wrote only 45 more, the last one being on November 11, 2008. Now they will continue in the form of these blog posts, and this will be the primary content of my blog from this point on.

My Personal Experiences is a rather frank and oftentimes embarrassing examination of what transpires when I am in a meditative state or when my spiritual teacher presents a lesson to me in a dream. Frank because I describe the anatomy of a kriya, or purification process that takes place due to the rather extreme movement of chi energy, or Kundalinishakti, often resulting in physical movements or spontaneous mudras. Embarrassing because I expose my innermost thoughts and feelings, many of which we now know originate from the way my autistic mind interprets things. These writings are not meant to be teachings of the Vedanta or nondual Kashmir Shaivism philosophies, upon which Siddha Yoga is based. Instead, they are to describe my personal spiritual journey on the path my Guru has lovingly set before me, the path to spiritual evolution and enlightenment.

On November 11, 2008, the date I last wrote, my wife Bianca and I had been living in our new house in Richfield, Minnesota for only 3-1/2 months. So much has changed since that time. On the morning of October 15, 2009, I suffered a stroke. That was the beginning of a change in the direction of my life. The story of that can be told in the blog post that can be read by clicking HERE. The remainder of this writing will continue on from where that blog post left off.

I arrived in Yuma, Arizona on June 25, the day after my Guru’s birthday. I didn’t get very far in my new life as a divorcee when I had to travel back to Pennsylvania when my dad passed away just three days later. After staying in PA for yet another ten days, I came back to Arizona. I’ve been steadily settling in ever since. The primary reason I came to Yuma is because of my astrocartograph. In previous writings, I had always talked about my difficulty in building a practice. I now know that the primary reason for this difficulty is because I have “atypical autism,” better known in the health care world as PDD-NOS. According to my astrocartograph, a chart denoting astrological possibilities based on one’s time of birth, Yuma, Arizona is the best possible place within the United States for me to have a successful practice as a healing practitioner. Now that I had no attachments to anyone or anyplace, I figured this was the best possible time for me to find out for myself if this was indeed true.

During the weeks I was in Pennsylvania taking care of my dad, I was preparing my application for a license to practice chiropractic in Arizona. Once I arrived in Yuma, I felt immediately intimidated by the place. The mere size of it was daunting, and the fact that the downtown areas were largely uninviting was even more frightening. Eventually I settled in the suburb known as the Foothills area, and I started to form my own circle of acquaintances and friends. Even though I found it easy to make friends and to talk to people, building a practice remains a challenge as always. For the amount of time I’ve been here, though, I will say that I do have more patients than I had anywhere else during the same amount of time. Because of the slowness in business, and because I had limited funds with me when I arrived here, I already had to move from one place that I could no longer afford to live in. I also felt lonely, which was to be expected. I had been married for almost ten years, and now I am on my own again without a significant other to share life’s journey with. By finding activities and my circle of acquaintances, feelings of loneliness eventually lessened.

During the first few nights I was here in Yuma, I had very revealing dreams, some of which my Guru appeared in. The message of the dreams was the same every night – that I would be hugely successful, even beyond my own expectations, BUT not before a very challenging and taxing struggle. I am in that struggle now, and because of recent events I am not sure how close I am to coming out of the struggle phase. This Saturday I will be leaving the place that I can no longer afford to live in (pending a miracle). Up until yesterday I had no place else to go, and I was facing the possibility of being in a homeless shelter for a while. Then a friend I had meant offered to let me stay at her place until I am able to get a foothold on my professional progress.

I had said that my Guru appeared in one of my dreams which indicated abundant success ahead. At no time in my spiritual journey had more than one of the Gurus (Bhagawan Nityananda (Bhade Baba), Swami Muktananda (Baba), or Swami Chidvilasananda (Gurumayi)) appeared at the same time in a dream. Both Baba and Gurumayi appeared in this one. Gurumayi was leading a chant, a song of praise, in honor of Baba, while Baba was alive and on the stage with her. I was watching this satsang (gathering of spiritual devotees) take place on a big screen TV while chanting along. It was a joyous event. Since that dream, I often find myself chanting a song written for Baba during the day, most recently “Gurudeva Hamara Pyara”.

For those of you familiar with chanting as part of your meditation practices, you know how chi energy moves in relation to the sound of the chant. The last time I sat to chant and meditate was about a week ago. I chanted to “Om Namo Nityananda,” a devotional song written for Bhade Baba. I was praying for guidance during my time of struggle. What I received was a movement of the energy, the Kundalinishakti, as I had not experienced in many years. The focal point of the energy was my heart chakra. As I felt the energy settle there, I begged that it stay there. I knew that the longer it stayed there the more my capacity to love and to be empathetic would approach the Guru’s level. Also, the longer it would stay there, the more I felt the energy coursing through all the nadi, the spiritual “nerves”, throughout my body.

This past Sunday I chanted the mantra which my Guru gave to me. I felt much the same as I did during last week’s chant. But there was one very surprising difference. At one point I fell into such a deep meditation that I experienced a very vivid vision. I was sitting in my own “Guru’s” seat directly facing Gurumayi as she sat in her seat. The look in her eyes and the experience of the Shakti flowing through her were identical to mine. In that brief moment I realized that THIS is what it feels like to be in that divine state, that enlightened state, of the Guru. That brief glimpse was worth more than any revelation, any answer, I could possibly have received from anyone. THAT is the goal of meditation. It is when That can be maintained throughout the day when everything that can possibly be attained has been attained. Then I knew that all else is secondary.

I will say that the Guru’s divine wisdom is always present. That is what does the work when I have a patient on my table. That is why everyone walks away knowing that they are better than they have been in a very long time. That is the glimpse of their own greatness that they revel in because of That which guides my actions. I recently told a friend of mine here in Yuma that I tend to go into a “zone” when I have a patient on my table. That “zone” is where I am totally connected to That, the divine Shakti, the Guru, from which all healing is possible.

It is my greatest joy in life to be able to give such a glimpse to others of their own greatness.

Sadgurunath Maharaj Ki Jay!