In a dream I had on December 26, 2002, my Guru told me, “Do not stop telling me what is happening in your sadhana (spiritual journey).” At that point in time, I was beginning a new life. I had been practicing Siddha Yoga for only four years, I was in practice as a chiropractor for only 2-1/2 years, I had been married for only six months, and I had been living in Minnesota for only four months. What I wrote about that dream was the 131st “meditation email”, as I used to call them, in a series of sharings that I included in a work called “My Personal Experiences As A Siddha Yogi”. Since then, I wrote only 45 more, the last one being on November 11, 2008. Now they will continue in the form of these blog posts, and this will be the primary content of my blog from this point on.
My Personal Experiences is a rather frank and oftentimes embarrassing examination of what transpires when I am in a meditative state or when my spiritual teacher presents a lesson to me in a dream. Frank because I describe the anatomy of a kriya, or purification process that takes place due to the rather extreme movement of chi energy, or Kundalinishakti, often resulting in physical movements or spontaneous mudras. Embarrassing because I expose my innermost thoughts and feelings, many of which we now know originate from the way my autistic mind interprets things. These writings are not meant to be teachings of the Vedanta or nondual Kashmir Shaivism philosophies, upon which Siddha Yoga is based. Instead, they are to describe my personal spiritual journey on the path my Guru has lovingly set before me, the path to spiritual evolution and enlightenment.
On November 11, 2008, the date I last wrote, my wife Bianca and I had been living in our new house in Richfield, Minnesota for only 3-1/2 months. So much has changed since that time. On the morning of October 15, 2009, I suffered a stroke. That was the beginning of a change in the direction of my life. The story of that can be told in the blog post that can be read by clicking HERE. The remainder of this writing will continue on from where that blog post left off.
I arrived in Yuma, Arizona on June 25, the day after my Guru’s birthday. I didn’t get very far in my new life as a divorcee when I had to travel back to Pennsylvania when my dad passed away just three days later. After staying in PA for yet another ten days, I came back to Arizona. I’ve been steadily settling in ever since. The primary reason I came to Yuma is because of my astrocartograph. In previous writings, I had always talked about my difficulty in building a practice. I now know that the primary reason for this difficulty is because I have “atypical autism,” better known in the health care world as PDD-NOS. According to my astrocartograph, a chart denoting astrological possibilities based on one’s time of birth, Yuma, Arizona is the best possible place within the United States for me to have a successful practice as a healing practitioner. Now that I had no attachments to anyone or anyplace, I figured this was the best possible time for me to find out for myself if this was indeed true.
During the weeks I was in Pennsylvania taking care of my dad, I was preparing my application for a license to practice chiropractic in Arizona. Once I arrived in Yuma, I felt immediately intimidated by the place. The mere size of it was daunting, and the fact that the downtown areas were largely uninviting was even more frightening. Eventually I settled in the suburb known as the Foothills area, and I started to form my own circle of acquaintances and friends. Even though I found it easy to make friends and to talk to people, building a practice remains a challenge as always. For the amount of time I’ve been here, though, I will say that I do have more patients than I had anywhere else during the same amount of time. Because of the slowness in business, and because I had limited funds with me when I arrived here, I already had to move from one place that I could no longer afford to live in. I also felt lonely, which was to be expected. I had been married for almost ten years, and now I am on my own again without a significant other to share life’s journey with. By finding activities and my circle of acquaintances, feelings of loneliness eventually lessened.
During the first few nights I was here in Yuma, I had very revealing dreams, some of which my Guru appeared in. The message of the dreams was the same every night – that I would be hugely successful, even beyond my own expectations, BUT not before a very challenging and taxing struggle. I am in that struggle now, and because of recent events I am not sure how close I am to coming out of the struggle phase. This Saturday I will be leaving the place that I can no longer afford to live in (pending a miracle). Up until yesterday I had no place else to go, and I was facing the possibility of being in a homeless shelter for a while. Then a friend I had meant offered to let me stay at her place until I am able to get a foothold on my professional progress.
I had said that my Guru appeared in one of my dreams which indicated abundant success ahead. At no time in my spiritual journey had more than one of the Gurus (Bhagawan Nityananda (Bhade Baba), Swami Muktananda (Baba), or Swami Chidvilasananda (Gurumayi)) appeared at the same time in a dream. Both Baba and Gurumayi appeared in this one. Gurumayi was leading a chant, a song of praise, in honor of Baba, while Baba was alive and on the stage with her. I was watching this satsang (gathering of spiritual devotees) take place on a big screen TV while chanting along. It was a joyous event. Since that dream, I often find myself chanting a song written for Baba during the day, most recently “Gurudeva Hamara Pyara”.
For those of you familiar with chanting as part of your meditation practices, you know how chi energy moves in relation to the sound of the chant. The last time I sat to chant and meditate was about a week ago. I chanted to “Om Namo Nityananda,” a devotional song written for Bhade Baba. I was praying for guidance during my time of struggle. What I received was a movement of the energy, the Kundalinishakti, as I had not experienced in many years. The focal point of the energy was my heart chakra. As I felt the energy settle there, I begged that it stay there. I knew that the longer it stayed there the more my capacity to love and to be empathetic would approach the Guru’s level. Also, the longer it would stay there, the more I felt the energy coursing through all the nadi, the spiritual “nerves”, throughout my body.
This past Sunday I chanted the mantra which my Guru gave to me. I felt much the same as I did during last week’s chant. But there was one very surprising difference. At one point I fell into such a deep meditation that I experienced a very vivid vision. I was sitting in my own “Guru’s” seat directly facing Gurumayi as she sat in her seat. The look in her eyes and the experience of the Shakti flowing through her were identical to mine. In that brief moment I realized that THIS is what it feels like to be in that divine state, that enlightened state, of the Guru. That brief glimpse was worth more than any revelation, any answer, I could possibly have received from anyone. THAT is the goal of meditation. It is when That can be maintained throughout the day when everything that can possibly be attained has been attained. Then I knew that all else is secondary.
I will say that the Guru’s divine wisdom is always present. That is what does the work when I have a patient on my table. That is why everyone walks away knowing that they are better than they have been in a very long time. That is the glimpse of their own greatness that they revel in because of That which guides my actions. I recently told a friend of mine here in Yuma that I tend to go into a “zone” when I have a patient on my table. That “zone” is where I am totally connected to That, the divine Shakti, the Guru, from which all healing is possible.
It is my greatest joy in life to be able to give such a glimpse to others of their own greatness.
Sadgurunath Maharaj Ki Jay!
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