Drastic Changes, Little Time

It's hard to believe how much change I've experienced in my life within just the past three years. You'd think that just one of the events I encountered would lead to a lifetime of grief. Maybe it's because I'm good at rolling with the punches that I look at life in a way that most people do not. Some may call me apathetic. Others may call me strong. But whatever it is I'm supposed to be feeling in the earthly sense, it hasn't hit me yet. I guess there just hasn't been enough time to process it all yet. Although, when it comes to being autistic, that is where I get into trouble. People on the autism spectrum do not always show grief in the socially expected way. Everything is different.

I guess you'd really have to go back to the summer of 2009, July 7th to be exact. Any sign of saving an already fragile marriage came to an end when I lost a decent-paying job as a security guard. Since being socially inappropriate was par for the course, two well-intended comments I made to two black female employees at the theater where I worked were mistaken to be personal threats instead. At least that's the reason I was given for my firing. The one comment was to a young lady who felt she was being discriminated against because of her race. I reminded her that "black is beautiful" as a way to make her feel good about herself. The other I told that she looked "yummy" when she was showing pictures from her modeling photo shoot. Although neither incident was meant as a threat, I can now see where they could have been perceived as such.

Three months later, after continuing to feel upset over the whole thing, I suffered a stroke. I perceived that stroke to be a wakeup call from the Universe. My mindset needed a drastic change. So did my life. I went from being almost completely paralyzed on the right side the morning of October 15 to being back to my old self again within six weeks. While still reeling from the whole stroke and recovery effort, there was yet another great sadness that fell upon me and my wife Bianca. One day in November, I was in my office getting ready to see a patient. Bianca called me out of the blue to inform me that a close friend of ours' husband just died of a heart attack. One tragedy followed another, and it upset me to see someone I recently became a good friend with leave this world. Off the record, though, I do believe it was the statin drug he had just started taking that killed him. I had been looking forward to seeing him again during the upcoming holidays. Instead, we were all attending his funeral just before Thanksgiving.

Just before Christmas, I started a new job as a security guard. I worked the overnight shift in a convention center with an adjoining hotel. All seemed to be going well until one night when a rowdy wedding reception got out of hand, and property damage resulted. Of course it was all my fault because of the one aspect of the job I couldn't do: make conversation with potential troublemakers beforehand. Being a tremendous introvert means that being social with anybody is a challenge. In June of 2010, that job came to an end too. I haven't worked for anybody else since.

All seemed to be status quo in my marriage. Although my wife Bianca blamed me so much for how much stress she felt, she could never pinpoint the exact reason why. Therefore, she had no viable solutions for how I could make her happy. But good strides were made when we bought a dog, my number of patients and autism seminars increased, and I kept active taking care of the yard work and necessary chores. Finally, in August of 2011, we felt that we reached a period of enough stability where we wanted to have children of our own. But despite our efforts, nothing ever worked.

Now it was October 2011. The downhill slope suddenly became a lot steeper. Both Bianca and I decided to visit a fertility specialist. It was then determined that I was the infertile one. It was discovered that I had been born without a vas deferens on the left side. The right one had been surgically removed at the age of nine. The only way we could determine if I had any of the necessary progenitors in me was to do a biopsy. But that was something that was going to have to wait. Our best friend, Todd, who was my age, was dying of cancer, and we were his support group. Despite what we did for him, and despite taking him to his necessary doctor appointments, he eventually made his exit on December 27th.

After Todd left the world, Bianca's state of mind was never the same. Todd was her coworker, confidant, and encourager. Todd was our best man at the vow renewal ceremony Bianca and I had to celebrate our 5th anniversary. He and his partner Joel were our double-dates for special occasions, and they were our best friends. I was especially sad because he and I were only thirteen days apart in age. I figured it could have been me. Yes, both Bianca and I were quite sad. But this brought up other stressors that had plagued Bianca's mind over the past nine years that we were married, mostly the fact that I still struggled professionally and socially. Because of my autistic tendencies, she often refused invites to social gatherings because she didn't want to have to take me along with her. I embarrassed her too much.

Then came the Sunday before Valentine's Day 2012. While making our dinner plans, Bianca said, "Are you going to tend to my needs this time?" As every other time, she could never pinpoint what those "needs" were that I seemed to be ignoring. After almost ten years of hearing the same whine, coupled with the comment a friend of ours made to me a month earlier when she stated the obvious by saying to me, "Don't you think Bianca is too controlling?", I finally had enough. Our marriage was over right then and there. We separated, yet I continued to live in a separate area of the house until I was in a stable enough position to leave. All it took was a visit back to Pennsylvania to be with family and friends. Everything seemed right for my next life journey: to get divorced and move to Arizona. I felt that Arizona would be where I would finally experience some much-needed appreciation for what I do as a healer, especially since my astrological chart pinpointed this area of the U.S. to be where I would experience the greatest amount of professional success. After spending a week in Pennsylvania, I returned to Minnesota to say my goodbyes and to file a joint agreement with Bianca to end our marriage.

I wasn't quite sure how to be remorseful over this situation. I was happy to be leaving a place and a marriage where I never felt at home, where I never felt welcomed, where I never felt appreciated. I was leaving it all behind for a better place. It was just before my 50th birthday, and I didn't want to live in a place or in a position of stuck-ness. I wanted to be fulfilled, to know I have a place in this world, to see that all the efforts I made to become a Doctor of Chiropractic had not been in vain. I was ready to face the rest of my life, knowing that I was bound for a place where I've never been before and where I knew nobody. I was all set for some action and adventure.

Two days before I was to leave for Arizona, my dad called me and asked me to return to Pennsylvania instead of going right to Arizona. At first I was up in arms because I felt this was a ploy by certain members of my family who were trying to talk me into coming back to PA for good. I had no good reason to go back to a place I felt relieved to be leaving twenty years prior. But my dad said his health was failing, and he was asking me to come help him. My dad had been in declining health the past few years, and he had gone drastically downhill just since my visit the month prior. So I returned to PA to be with him. I spent the next 2-1/2 months living with my parents while my dad made several trips to the hospital. His main health problem was myelofibrosis, a pre-leukemic condition. During this time, it was also discovered that he also had a leaking aortic heart valve. The main reason for his hospital stays was to eliminate fluid buildup from apparent bouts of kidney failure. It was quite distressing to see what was once a very active and strong leader now living in such a state.

During the time I lived in Pennsylvania, I flew to Arizona to take the exam I needed to take to obtain my license to practice there. During the two days I spent there, I became excited by the scenery and the desert air. Now I knew what I was in for once I moved there, and I loved it. I also reconnected with old friends and relatives I hadn't seen in years while sending emails out to find new friends in Arizona. Finally, in early June, my dad seemed to be in his best health in a very long time. He reached a point of stability where he was more active and didn't need my help as much. It had been determined that he would need a heart valve replacement, and that procedure was to take place in September. I started packing for my trip toward a new life, vowing to return in September for when my dad would need me again. I finally left for Arizona on June 22. My destination: Yuma, Arizona.

On the same day I left on my cross-country trek, my dad made yet another trip to the hospital. After talking to my parents on the phone for quite some time, they gave me their blessings to continue on with my trip instead of turning back around. We figured this would be just another stay to eliminate some fluid buildup. But three days after arriving in Yuma, my dad passed away. The stress of returning for his funeral was only heightened when I faced those family members who were hellbent on accusing me of being incredibly selfish for going to Arizona when I did. I had nothing to say since they had no idea of all the struggles I had been through in the past several years or of all that I did for my dad during the time I was there to take care of him. I then went back to Arizona ready to face whatever life had to throw at me next.

I will not rehash my experiences in Arizona here. Everything is detailed in my book "The Doctor Is In" in the chapter "Madman In The Desert." Instead of my time there being full of adventure and success, it only perpetuated and accented my struggles. Between living in eight different places and eventually becoming penniless, there was plenty of difficulty to be endured. Despite having a handful of clientele and making regular friends, nothing was enough to keep me there. After only ten months, I turned right back around and headed back to Pennsylvania. I did not plan to stay in PA, though. I turned to my astrological chart again to see where my next destination should be. My Reiki Master, Betty, who is also my astrology adviser, said I should follow my Venus line this time. There is only one place in the U.S. where my Venus line crosses, and that is the eastern half of the state of Maine. I wasted no time in preparing to go there.

It was now late April 2013. I knew that I would not have near enough money to get to Maine since my dad had been my source of financial support. I figured that if I couldn't find a job in Maine for which I would move, I would look for work locally and save some money. During the rest of the spring and entire summer, nothing panned out. Sending out hundreds of resumes and filling out countless applications online went nowhere. Also leading nowhere was the constant accusations from my brothers and my mom, whom I was living with, that I wasn't making enough of an effort and that I just didn't care enough. I think I had three job interviews in a four month period. It's hard enough for many people to find work, let alone a person who has an advanced college degree, autism, and who is a tremendous introvert. I felt doomed from the start. My life was only a continuation of the usual struggle.

On October 1, I was taking my usual walk around the complex where my mom lived in Bowmansville. As I walked along the tree line that separated the complex from a corn field, I looked up to see two hawks circling above me in a peculiar manner. Because of my spiritual insight and my strong connection to my own intuition, I knew that a life-changing event was about to take place. Two hours later, I received an email from the person who would eventually become my significant other. Becky was just the name of someone who was looking for a natural healer to work in her wellness center which was located thirty miles away in Kutztown. It wouldn't be a paid job, but it would be a place I could call my "office." I met her at her wellness center the next day, and four days later we went on our first date. It quickly became a regular thing for me to spend weekends with her, her mom, and her daughter at the house they had just started renting in Hamburg.

Later that month, I had planned to take Becky to my mom's house where we would have dinner after spending a weekend together. But that never happened. While I was with Becky, I received a phone call from a neighbor saying that my mom was taken to the hospital the previous day. Apparently, her chronic illness of liver degeneration rendered her unable to function. This was quite sudden since she had been quite active and able to care for herself this whole time. Once again, life was dealing me a challenging blow. Becky did eventually meet my mom on two occasions, but she was in the hospital during those times. It was quite disheartening to see my mom suddenly deteriorate in the same mannerism that my dad did. With the exception of a return back home that lasted only five hours, my mom spent the rest of her days in the hospital. She passed away peacefully on December 1 while in hospice care.

In all the time since my dad passed away just 17 months earlier, it was apparent that my mom never was happy. She lost her interest in going places, and she became weaker in stamina. While in the hospice, she said she wasn't interested in fighting to be well. She just wanted to go to the other side to be with dad. I know that she is there now. I was the last family member to see her alive, just four hours before she left this world. During the three hours I remained alone with her after the rest of the family left, she had quite the conversations in her stuporous state with my dad and others who had left this world. They were making sure certain things were taken care of before she was able to go with them. She would say to them, "I already took care of that." At 9:00 PM I said good night to her, knowing perfectly well that she would not live through the night. At 1:30 in the morning, my older brother called me to let me know that she passed on.

For the next 2-1/2 months, I continued to live in the house while my older brother made plans to sell it. Not knowing when exactly that would be, I now had the burden of finding another place to live. My cousin in Reading said I could stay at his place. I reluctantly agreed to this, knowing darn well that neither he nor his sister who he lived with are psychologically stable. Besides, I would just be cooped up in the basement on a couch. It would be yet another downhill turn. But that's not what happened. Surprisingly, I started going uphill for a change.

During the weekends that I would spend with Becky, it became apparent that Becky's mom was developing a relationship with an old friend of hers. The plan was that those two would get married and start living together at his house in August after which I could live with Becky in Hamburg. It was a relief just knowing that even if I did live with my cousin that that situation would only be temporary. But there was yet another twist. I continued to live at my mom's house until March, which is when we finally cleaned it out and put it up for sale, and Becky's mom and her boyfriend decided that they would get married in June instead. So, since March, I have been living in Hamburg with Becky and her nineteen-year-old daughter Brittany. Becky's mom, Pam, is now happily married and living with her husband, Ken, just two miles away.

Being with Becky finally brings me a notion of being at home. I am not only sharing my life with a special woman who says she loves me (something I rarely ever heard out of the mouth of Bianca), but I am also in the company of a woman and her amazing daughter who accept me for who I am, the way I am, despite my struggles, and despite having autism. They have plenty of challenges of their own to tell about, which makes them all the more understanding and patient with mine. With them, I feel like I have a reason to be settled without feeling the need to run off elsewhere to find my success.

As I said in the closing words of my book "The Doctor Is In," success shouldn’t be measured by how much money someone makes but in what they accomplish in life…..I endured a lot, and I learned a lot. I accomplished a lot, and I helped, and continue to help, a lot of people along the course of my own journey into Self-discovery. That is success. With that in mind, I am one of the most successful people I know. And I look forward to whatever situations, good or bad, life presents me with. They are all my teachers; they are all what my Spiritual strength develops from.