Autie
"Autie" is the word used to describe any person who has been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder as Dr. Suglia had been in 2008.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Monday, February 2, 2015
On Meeting The Guru
I recently wrote a sharing of the events leading up to when I met my guru. This sharing was written specifically to be included in a publication by The Light Network which is scheduled to be released later this year. To find out more about the guru and the specific path I write about here, please visit http://www.siddhayoga.org/.
They say that when the
student is ready, the teacher will appear. I never realized how very
significant these words would be to me someday. She came calling for the first
time during my darkest days on this Earth, literally. It was April 1996. I was
just one year into a fourteen-year battle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was
at my worst point, being house-ridden most of the time, spending many days
sleeping until the sun set for the day. At the same time, I was also plagued by
other health issues as well as a bout of depression over a failed relationship.
Not only that, I was far from any family as well. I was in Atlanta, Georgia,
and they were in my home town of Reading, Pennsylvania. Such a life situation
would certainly be a disruption to anyone, and having just started my
internship toward becoming a Doctor of Chiropractic definitely made the
situation all the more ominous. Instead of being busy in the clinic caring for
patients along with my colleagues, I was lucky to just be able to get out of
bed and go to school one day a week.
During
this point in time, I met a fellow intern named Ellen. Ellen was one of those
types of people who you could tell your life story to upon meeting them. I'm
not sure exactly how many days after meeting her it was when it became apparent
to me that she had a great purpose in my life. To this day, Ellen and I are
great friends. I remember one afternoon we were standing in the courtyard
outside of the school's bookstore. That's when I told her about my current
situation. When talking to most people, my story would always be met by words
of advice or the remark "It's all in your head." Ellen's words were
very different. She said to me, "You need to meet my guru." I was
taken aback a bit. I never expected such a reply. Then the first thing that
popped into my head was, "Why do I need a guru?" Although I never
followed through with Ellen's invite, I continued to build a friendship with
her as time went on. Occasionally she would tell me wonderful stories of how
meeting the guru changed her life.
Ellen
told me about her chiropractor, who she said could help me get on my feet
again. Although he did make significant improvements, it was a holistic medical
physician back in my home town who made the most impact. That impact didn't
come, though, until November of '97. One day in the summer of '97, I was at the
chiropractor's office when I saw a sign posted for Reiki classes. I never heard
of Reiki before, but I figured if it was something that could help me with my
health situations I'd like to learn it. I took down the phone number, and I
called later that same day. That's the first time I ever talked to Betty, my
Reiki Master. Betty explained the concept of Reiki and why the method she
taught was superior to others. I wasn't moved, though. Betty seemed too
staunch, and the whole idea of "spiritual healing" was still very
foreign to me even though I considered myself to be spiritual in nature. I
didn't contact her again, and I lived out the rest of '97 contemplating the direction
of my life.
It was
now March 1998. A teacher I had just met was telling the class of a meditation
group that met at his office every Thursday night. I figured since I was now feeling
functional and was able to make it to school just about every day, it was time
for me to get out and meet more people. On April 1, I paid my first visit to
his group. Although it wasn't much more than a nice way to get out of the house
for a while, it did open my mind to the spiritual realm of existence. Two
months later, while at my chiropractor's office, I once again saw a sign posted
for Reiki classes by Betty. So, I called Betty again, and this time I did sign
up for her class. I was especially glad to find out that Ellen knew Betty. I
then felt confident I would be in good hands, learning something beneficial. Betty's
class was scheduled to take place in July.
The
weekend of the class finally came, and I was the first to arrive that Saturday
morning. Little did I know how my life was about to change. It wasn't so much
because of the valuable gift of Reiki healing I was about to learn, even though
that was significant. It was because the door was about to open to a whole new
spiritual evolution, an awakening beyond my greatest imagination. It all started at
one point during the class when I excused myself to use Betty's bathroom. There
on a shelf of the towel rack was a picture of the most radiant being I've ever
seen. I saw a woman wearing a red robe walking on a beach, looking out over the
ocean. The energy that emanated from her was something I've never encountered before.
I didn't think much else of it until the class ended the next afternoon. That's
when Betty told us about her guru, the person whose picture was in the
bathroom. It was the same guru that Ellen had been telling me about for the previous
two years. The accounts of spiritual liberation were so fascinating that I
decided it was time for me to pay a visit to the local meditation center
dedicated to the path of this guru. Despite my intrigue, I put it off for
another three weeks.
At the
meditation center, there are two evening satsangs (community gatherings) each
week. I went to the Wednesday evening program so that I could attend a brief
orientation for newcomers. The greeter explained the path and the guru very
concisely, and it all made perfect sense to me. In short, the goal is spiritual
enlightenment, and this is achievable through grace bestowed upon us by the
guru. To stay on the path, we meditate on the Self, the Divine Presence that
constitutes the entire Universe, all that is manifest and unmanifest, including
each one of us. To keep our focus, we chant to songs and prayers in the
Sanskrit language, a language whose letters and syllables had been constructed
from sounds found within the chakras, the energy centers of the body. In this
way, we are balancing ourselves in body, mind, and spirit, opening ourselves to
the transformation that lies ahead.
So there
I was, at long last. The only person present that I knew was Betty. I sat on
the floor in the meditation hall with the rest of the people. I was excited
about this new experience, and everything proceeded along smoothly. As the
chanting started just a few minutes later, I hesitated to join in. In fact, I
became increasingly uncomfortable. I definitely noticed a change in the energy
of the room, and I became afraid of it. I had no idea what was happening. I was
just thankful when the program ended ninety minutes later. I left the building
with no intention to return. It was nice to have checked things out, but it
wasn't my thing. It was much too strange indeed. But the guru wasn't done with
me yet.
Three
weeks later, I received an unexpected phone call a girl named Nadya who I met in
my Reiki class. She asked me if I was interested in getting together with her
the following week. I was pleasantly surprised by her offer, as I found her to
be someone I'd be interested in getting to know. I gladly accepted. Her plan
was for us to meet at the same meditation center for the Wednesday evening
gathering after which we would go out for coffee. Although the idea of
attending another satsang was nowhere on my radar, I would certainly go there to meet up with Nadya. So, there I was again the
next week to take part in a program that had left me feeling out of sorts three
weeks earlier. I waited in the reception area right up until the minute the
program started. But Nadya never showed. I figured since I was there I'd stay
for the evening instead of leaving abruptly. What happened next planted me
firmly on this new path for good.
We
started out by watching a video of the guru talking about the benefits of
chanting and meditating. The guru talked about the Guru Principle, and how even
if you are going along at a slow, comfortable pace, you are still deriving the
benefits of the practice. That was just
what I needed to hear! I no longer felt intimidated by the things I didn't
understand and perhaps wasn't ready yet to partake in. She made it clear to me
in that moment that I was exactly
where I needed to be. I instantly warmed up and became receptive. I figured from
that point on I would attend every evening program I could. (To this day,
attending daytime events is nearly impossible due to my chronic sleep
disorder.) After that night's event, I stayed and got to know some of the
people there. I found them to be a friendly and supportive bunch, and I was
glad to see that there were many opportunities to volunteer my services there,
such as working in the kitchen and preparing the center for events.
Before I
tell the rest of the story, I need to point out one very crucial factor. I have
Autism Spectrum Disorder. People with ASD naturally vibrate on a higher
spiritual level. Because of this, we are more sensitive to etheric energies,
especially changes in their intensity and direction. This is why even though
such people cannot read body language or catch onto social clues very well, we
are well aware of the world around us simply through the perception of the
environment's energy. When the most powerful change of all occurs, the sudden
awakening of the dormant Kundalini energy, the results are mind-blowing beyond
comprehension. As for my perception of energy goes, I find the movement of the
etheric waves to be astoundingly helpful in my practice as a chiropractor, a
Reiki healer, and as a medical intuitive. I explain all of this in detail in my
upcoming book "Autism & Spirituality: A New Paradigm".
During
the next three weeks, I attended both the Wednesday and Saturday evening
satsangs. I became filled with enthusiasm, and I began studying the main
philosophies upon which the guru's teachings were based, Vedanta and nondual
Kashmir Shaivism. I spent my free time reading books written by the guru who
brought this great path around the world. Learning about all the deities and
what they represented gave me greater awareness and devotion for the many forms
in which The Divine has appeared throughout the ages. It didn't take long for
me to set up a puja, an altar of worship, in my apartment in front of which I
spent many hours meditating.
Then
came the evening of Saturday, October 3, 1998. What seemed like the usual
chanting and meditation get-together turned out to be anything but for me. The
meditation hall was infused with the heaviness of the energy created by a
meditation intensive event that took place there earlier that day. Upon
entering the center that night, I could feel that energy swirling in the air,
penetrating everything and everyone, bringing me to a new level of inner stillness.
Shortly after the program began, we got right to chanting. That's when the
ordinary ceased to exist, and the rest of my life would never be the same. Only
ten minutes into the chant, I lost all awareness of where I was. I ceased to
exist. There wasn't even awareness itself. I really don't know how long I was
there in that nihility. The next thing I knew, I was watching The Big Bang as
it was actually happening. The explosion of light ushered in a new era in my
existence, a rebirth, a new manifestation of my own Self. As I observed
celestial bodies emerging from the light and whizzing by me, I gradually
regained my awareness of being in the meditation hall. The chant was still in
progress, and I rejoined.
Immediately
after the program, as we were gathering for the refreshments afterwards, I
rushed over to Betty to tell her about what I experienced. The more I talked,
the wider her eyes became. She finally laughed and said, "Oh my God! You
received Shaktipat!" I had no
idea what that meant. I thought such things were reserved for the highly
advanced practitioners. Over the course of the next six months, though, I found
out exactly what it meant through many amazing mystical experiences, dreams,
conversations with otherworldly beings, flashing "angel" lights, and
the amazing sensations of the awakened Kundalini coursing through my body. Lifelong
self-defeating behaviors and thoughts melted away, intuition blossomed, and a
new vision of purpose and existence itself emerged. I was definitely not the
same person. The entire Universe itself came to my rescue and lifted me to a new
height.
I came
to learn about, and experience, the
oneness of the Universe, all that is seen and unseen. I realized that we are
not separate from God. I identified, in due time, that God is not a being who
sits in wait; God is the
Consciousness from which all that is becomes manifest. I also lost all sense of
fear knowing that all the enlightened beings who walk and ever had walked the
face of the Earth were now present to watch over me as I continued on this
great spiritual path. When you surrender yourself to the Guru Principle, you
transcend the ordinary and the purely physical. The chains that caused you to
believe that you are a limited being with an ordinary existence fall away. Life
takes on a whole new meaning and purpose.
Surrendering
to the Guru Principle does not mean your life gets better. To the contrary,
mine became even more challenging. God tests one's faith and devotion. But the
more one sticks to the path, the greater the rewards in the end, the
"rewards" being the maintenance of unwavering liberation from
attachment, the clarification of God's existence in this world as this world, and the steadfastness of
your own place in the entire Universe. Seeing beyond the purely physical helped
me through all the hardships I experienced during the course of the next
fifteen years including continued health woes, homelessness, a disheartening
marriage and divorce, fruitless entrepreneurial ventures in various parts of
the country, and my eventual diagnosis with Autism Spectrum Disorder at the age
of forty-five. My strength came from the awareness that it was all part of my
refining process, the buffing of a slug into a diamond. It was my way of
proving how much I desired to be made as the guru by the awakened Kundalini.
This process
is not for the fainthearted or the squeamish. You will face your fears, and you
will be asked to conquer them, to rise above them. Being an enlightened being
means you have risen above all that was meant to belittle you, contain you,
limit you. The only way this is even remotely possible is by silencing the ego
and opening the heart. When you show the guru that you are committed to
enduring such a regeneration, the Guru Principle does all it needs to do to
help you achieve such a state. That's when the fun begins. And if you stay the
course, the fun never ends. This is what's possible when you meet your guru. In
reality, though, it is not you who chooses the guru; it is the guru who chooses
you. God does not call the blessed.
God blesses the called. When you are brought onto such a path, you treat it
with great respect. And that's how one becomes a spiritually enlightened being.
Friday, November 21, 2014
What Sets Me Apart
There
are many people who have chronic health issues who rely on mainstream medicine
to help them. Even though they still continue to have the same problems, they
continue to rely on their medicines thinking that maybe someday they will help.
God love 'em. And then there are people who are proactive and who want to do
anything possible to get better. They are the people who turn to chiropractors,
energy healers, acupuncturists, nutritionists, and other practitioners of
"alternative medicine," and most of them do get better. God love them! These are the people who I make a
living at helping. Yes, what I do, and what most healers like me do, is a profession, not a novelty for amusement
purposes. I always celebrate when somebody finds out, usually after having suffered
tremendously, how much better their life actually becomes after going to a
practitioner like me.
Every
health care practitioner, whether mainstream or alternative, has their own
"something different" to offer from the next person. The patient or
client simply needs to find somebody that he or she clicks well with. Some
people might wonder what it is that sets me apart from the others. I usually
don't mention these things, other than the obvious of my office being on
wheels. It comes down to experiences, skills, and knowledge that others might not have which give me unique
perspective and insight. But it is also the gifts of being autistic and an INFJ
Myers-Briggs personality type that allow what appears oblivious to others to
appear as clear as day to me. I mentioned some of these things in my first
book, "The Doctor Is In," and I will talk more in detail about these
things in my next book, which I am currently writing. I'll talk about some of
them here.
Probably
first and foremost is that I can identify on a deeper level with my clients
that have deeper-rooted, chronic conditions. Do you know what it's like to
spend 14-1/2 years of your life struggling both physically and mentally? Do you
know what it's like to sleep for thirteen hours only to wake up feeling as
though you haven't slept a wink? And when you have to go to work or do chores
such as shopping, mowing the lawn, or being a full-time student, could you do
these things while feeling like you are wearing a suit of lead? That was me
between April of 1995 and October of 2009. During this time, I was a student
chiropractor, carrying a full load of 24 credit hours per quarter. I also moved
about the country and spent seven of these years as a married man. It's
interesting the things that go through your head during the hours upon hours
you spend lying in bed when you're unable to move further than the edge of the
bed. It's also interesting to hear the words of family, the ones you'd think
would care the most, when they tell you you're just making it all up. Meditating,
chiropractic, and acupuncture did more for me than any medicine ever did. For
lack of a better diagnosis, the medical doctor who eventually got me on my feet
to be at least functional called it "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". Other
health problems such as needing to have open heart surgery and suffering a
paralyzing stroke were but temporary inconveniences by comparison.
Another
thing that sets me apart from most of the crowd is that I am a chiropractor. It's
interesting to note that most people have no idea what it takes to become one. There
is a reason why chiropractors are called "doctor". Becoming one
requires eight years (minimum) of education just like any other type of doctor.
We learn the same basic sciences as a medical or osteopathic physician but with
much more emphasis or neuroanatomy and physiology. (After all, chiropractic has
much more to do with keeping the entire body working at its optimum potential
than "popping bones"!) We go through a rigorous internship where we
take care of actual patients under supervision in a clinic or preceptorship
program for so many hours. We have regulating boards whose exams we need to
pass in order to become eligible in each state or country to be licensed to
practice after we graduate. I've heard more than one M.D. who went to
chiropractic school say, "This is a whole lot tougher than I
thought!" and struggle the whole way through the program. It really isn't
easy, and therefore I frown a whole lot upon the ones who make us into either clowns
with their unprofessional behavior or gimmicks and the ones who make us look
like glorified physical therapists will their roller tables, zapping machines,
and waterbeds. To me, they missed the whole point of becoming a chiropractor.
As of
now, I've been involved in the health care field for 32 years and 3 months. I
began as an ambulance attendant, volunteering for the (former) Governor Mifflin
Area Ambulance Association in Shillington, PA after the heart surgery left me
unable to be a firefighter any longer. That switch set the course for the rest
of my life. During those fantastic years working for the ambulance service, I
experienced many gut-wrenching events which made me a stronger person after
learning how to deal with such things. One thing that made me especially
sought-after was the fact that my small size automatically made me the "go
to" person when someone was needed to crawl into tight spots to rescue
someone. During these years, I worked as a nurse aid and spent some time in
nursing school. Ultimately, I went to school to become a Respiratory Therapist.
That was my profession until I left the world of mainstream medicine behind in
December of 1993 in order to go to chiropractic school. My medical training
surely came in handy as the basis for which I would build my knowledge and
abilities in other fields of healing.
My
training in Reiki healing sets me apart. I'm not just talking about any Reiki. I'm talking specifically
about traditional Usui Reiki as Taught by Takata. This is not the "New Age" stuff that most people in the U.S. are
doing today. It is not holding my
hands above a person or waving them around, calling upon spirit guides and
angels. Just about every person I
ever did Reiki on, since I was trained in the 2nd level of it in November of
1998, said to me that what they experienced was far more beneficial to them
than any type of energy healing they had done to them before, including from
other "Reiki" practitioners. Reiki works on all three levels of
existence, that is physical, mind-ful, and spiritual. My Reiki training through
Rev. Betty McKeon helped me to cognize what the word "healing" meant
in a multidimensional way. This type of Reiki is like a focused laser that
really can be felt through the hands of one who has been trained in the
"as Taught by Takata" method. What I find interesting, however, is
that there are Reiki "practitioners" out there whom staunchly believe
they are practicing this method yet do quite the opposite of what it really
teaches. I've even been approached by these practitioners over the years with
questions after they realized that what I do is very different.
Also,
thanks to my Reiki Master Betty, I have received the greatest gift anyone could
possibly receive: Shaktipat (Sanskrit: saktipata), or the awakening of the inner
Kundalini energy. To the lay person, this may mean nothing. But to someone on a
spiritual quest to learn the meaning of life, experience God-consciousness, and
to obtain spiritual enlightenment, this means everything. It is the
vital step to obtaining any of this. When you have received Shaktipat from a
true guru, and you keep the fire alive through spiritual practice, you automatically see past the mere physical
façade of a person or an event and are connected with the comprising essence,
the consciousness, behind it all. What made it all the more interesting for me
is that I received Shaktipat before I ever knew what it was all about! It made
for quite a fantastic journey, especially during the months following my
awakening event on October 3, 1998.
During
the years that both autism and my severely-introverted personality type kept me
quiet and naïve, I was unknowingly building an inner strength, an uncanny
ability to see pink elephants and through the fog. When I spoke, I had
something profound to say. Yet, when I tried to speak just to be sociable, I
proved myself to be a bumbling idiot. While I can still be like this on most
days, either being the strongly-centered sayer or the naïve jester, one thing
is for certain: I was made to be a healer. Although I have come a long way, I
certainly have a lot to learn yet. No one ever really does stop learning. You
can get good at what you do by developing a system that works for you, as I
have. But you continuously get better when you always keep your mind open for
the next learning opportunity. The "healer" who tells me he has the answer is the buffoon I pay no
attention to. EVERYONE is here to be of service to someone else or to something
greater than their self. The day you stop learning is the day God calls you
from this life. Until then, education is a continuum, as is change and
spiritual evolution.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Drastic Changes, Little Time
It's hard to believe how much change
I've experienced in my life within just the past three years. You'd think that
just one of the events I encountered
would lead to a lifetime of grief. Maybe it's because I'm good at rolling with
the punches that I look at life in a way that most people do not. Some may call
me apathetic. Others may call me strong. But whatever it is I'm supposed to be feeling in the earthly
sense, it hasn't hit me yet. I guess there just hasn't been enough time to
process it all yet. Although, when it comes to being autistic, that is where I get
into trouble. People on the autism spectrum do not always show grief in the
socially expected way. Everything is different.
I guess you'd really have to go back to
the summer of 2009, July 7th to be exact. Any sign of saving an already fragile
marriage came to an end when I lost a decent-paying job as a security guard.
Since being socially inappropriate was par for the course, two well-intended comments
I made to two black female employees at the theater where I worked were
mistaken to be personal threats instead. At least that's the reason I was given
for my firing. The one comment was to a young lady who felt she was being
discriminated against because of her race. I reminded her that "black is
beautiful" as a way to make her feel good about herself. The other I told
that she looked "yummy" when she was showing pictures from her
modeling photo shoot. Although neither incident was meant as a threat, I can
now see where they could have been perceived as such.
Three months later, after continuing to
feel upset over the whole thing, I suffered a stroke. I perceived that stroke
to be a wakeup call from the Universe. My mindset needed a drastic change. So
did my life. I went from being almost completely paralyzed on the right side
the morning of October 15 to being back to my old self again within six weeks.
While still reeling from the whole stroke and recovery effort, there was yet another
great sadness that fell upon me and my wife Bianca. One day in November, I was in
my office getting ready to see a patient. Bianca called me out of the blue to
inform me that a close friend of ours' husband just died of a heart attack. One
tragedy followed another, and it upset me to see someone I recently became a
good friend with leave this world. Off the record, though, I do believe it was
the statin drug he had just started taking that killed him. I had been looking
forward to seeing him again during the upcoming holidays. Instead, we were all
attending his funeral just before Thanksgiving.
Just before Christmas, I started a new
job as a security guard. I worked the overnight
shift in a convention center with an adjoining hotel. All seemed to be going
well until one night when a rowdy wedding reception got out of hand, and
property damage resulted. Of course it was all my fault because of the one
aspect of the job I couldn't do: make conversation with potential troublemakers
beforehand. Being a tremendous introvert means that being social with anybody is a challenge. In June of 2010,
that job came to an end too. I haven't worked for anybody else since.
All seemed to be status quo in my
marriage. Although my wife Bianca blamed me so much for how much stress she
felt, she could never pinpoint the exact reason why. Therefore, she had no
viable solutions for how I could make her happy. But good strides were made
when we bought a dog, my number of patients and autism seminars increased, and
I kept active taking care of the yard work and necessary chores. Finally, in
August of 2011, we felt that we reached a period of enough stability where we
wanted to have children of our own. But despite our efforts, nothing ever worked.
Now it was October 2011. The downhill
slope suddenly became a lot steeper. Both
Bianca and I decided to visit a fertility specialist. It was then determined
that I was the infertile one. It was discovered that I had been born without a
vas deferens on the left side. The right one had been surgically removed at the
age of nine. The only way we could determine if I had any of the necessary progenitors
in me was to do a biopsy. But that was something that was going to have to
wait. Our best friend, Todd, who was my age, was dying of cancer, and we were
his support group. Despite what we did for him, and despite taking him to his
necessary doctor appointments, he eventually made his exit on December 27th.
After Todd left the world, Bianca's
state of mind was never the same. Todd was her coworker, confidant, and
encourager. Todd was our best man at the vow renewal ceremony Bianca and I had
to celebrate our 5th anniversary. He and his partner Joel were our double-dates
for special occasions, and they were our best friends. I was especially sad
because he and I were only thirteen days apart in age. I figured it could have
been me. Yes, both Bianca and I were quite sad. But this brought up other
stressors that had plagued Bianca's mind over the past nine years that we were
married, mostly the fact that I still struggled professionally and socially.
Because of my autistic tendencies, she often refused invites to social
gatherings because she didn't want to have to take me along with her. I
embarrassed her too much.
Then came the Sunday before Valentine's
Day 2012. While making our dinner plans, Bianca said, "Are you going to
tend to my needs this time?" As every other time, she could never pinpoint
what those "needs" were that I seemed to be ignoring. After almost
ten years of hearing the same whine, coupled with the comment a friend of ours
made to me a month earlier when she stated the obvious by saying to me, "Don't
you think Bianca is too controlling?", I finally had enough. Our marriage
was over right then and there. We separated, yet I continued to live in a
separate area of the house until I was in a stable enough position to leave.
All it took was a visit back to Pennsylvania to be with family and friends.
Everything seemed right for my next life journey: to get divorced and move to
Arizona. I felt that Arizona would be where I would finally experience some much-needed appreciation for what I do as a
healer, especially since my astrological chart pinpointed this area of the U.S.
to be where I would experience the greatest amount of professional success.
After spending a week in Pennsylvania, I returned to Minnesota to say my
goodbyes and to file a joint agreement with Bianca to end our marriage.
I wasn't quite sure how to be remorseful
over this situation. I was happy to be leaving a place and a marriage where I
never felt at home, where I never felt welcomed, where I never felt appreciated.
I was leaving it all behind for a better place. It was just before my 50th
birthday, and I didn't want to live in a place or in a position of stuck-ness. I
wanted to be fulfilled, to know I have a place in this world, to see that all
the efforts I made to become a Doctor of Chiropractic had not been in vain. I
was ready to face the rest of my life, knowing that I was bound for a place
where I've never been before and where I knew nobody. I was all set for some
action and adventure.
Two days before I was to leave for
Arizona, my dad called me and asked me to return to Pennsylvania instead of
going right to Arizona. At first I was up in arms because I felt this was a
ploy by certain members of my family who were trying to talk me into coming
back to PA for good. I had no good reason to go back to a place I felt relieved
to be leaving twenty years prior. But my dad said his health was failing, and
he was asking me to come help him. My dad had been in declining health the past
few years, and he had gone drastically downhill just since my visit the month
prior. So I returned to PA to be with him. I spent the next 2-1/2 months living
with my parents while my dad made several trips to the hospital. His main health
problem was myelofibrosis, a pre-leukemic condition. During this time, it was
also discovered that he also had a leaking aortic heart valve. The main reason
for his hospital stays was to eliminate fluid buildup from apparent bouts of
kidney failure. It was quite distressing to see what was once a very active and
strong leader now living in such a state.
During the time I lived in Pennsylvania,
I flew to Arizona to take the exam I needed to take to obtain my license to
practice there. During the two days I spent there, I became excited by the
scenery and the desert air. Now I knew what I was in for once I moved there,
and I loved it. I also reconnected with old friends and relatives I hadn't seen
in years while sending emails out to find new friends in Arizona. Finally, in
early June, my dad seemed to be in his best health in a very long time. He
reached a point of stability where he was more active and didn't need my help as
much. It had been determined that he would need a heart valve replacement, and
that procedure was to take place in September. I started packing for my trip toward
a new life, vowing to return in September for when my dad would need me again. I
finally left for Arizona on June 22. My destination: Yuma, Arizona.
On the same day I left on my
cross-country trek, my dad made yet another trip to the hospital. After talking
to my parents on the phone for quite some time, they gave me their blessings to
continue on with my trip instead of turning back around. We figured this would
be just another stay to eliminate some fluid buildup. But three days after
arriving in Yuma, my dad passed away. The stress of returning for his funeral
was only heightened when I faced those family members who were hellbent on
accusing me of being incredibly selfish for going to Arizona when I did. I had
nothing to say since they had no idea of all the struggles I had been through
in the past several years or of all that I did for my dad during the time I was
there to take care of him. I then went back to Arizona ready to face whatever
life had to throw at me next.
I will not rehash my experiences in
Arizona here. Everything is detailed in my book "The Doctor Is In" in
the chapter "Madman In The Desert." Instead of my time there being
full of adventure and success, it only perpetuated and accented my struggles.
Between living in eight different places and eventually becoming penniless, there
was plenty of difficulty to be endured. Despite having a handful of clientele
and making regular friends, nothing was enough to keep me there. After only ten
months, I turned right back around and headed back to Pennsylvania. I did not
plan to stay in PA, though. I turned to my astrological chart again to see
where my next destination should be. My Reiki Master, Betty, who is also my
astrology adviser, said I should follow my Venus line this time. There is only
one place in the U.S. where my Venus line crosses, and that is the eastern half
of the state of Maine. I wasted no time in preparing to go there.
It was now late April 2013. I knew that
I would not have near enough money to get to Maine since my dad had been my
source of financial support. I figured that if I couldn't find a job in Maine for
which I would move, I would look for work locally and save some money. During
the rest of the spring and entire summer, nothing panned out. Sending out
hundreds of resumes and filling out countless applications online went nowhere.
Also leading nowhere was the constant accusations from my brothers and my mom,
whom I was living with, that I wasn't making enough of an effort and that I just
didn't care enough. I think I had three job interviews in a four month period. It's
hard enough for many people to find work, let alone a person who has an
advanced college degree, autism, and who is a tremendous introvert. I felt
doomed from the start. My life was only a continuation of the usual struggle.
On October 1, I was taking my usual walk
around the complex where my mom lived in Bowmansville. As I walked along the
tree line that separated the complex from a corn field, I looked up to see two
hawks circling above me in a peculiar manner. Because of my spiritual insight
and my strong connection to my own intuition, I knew that a life-changing event
was about to take place. Two hours later, I received an email from the person
who would eventually become my significant other. Becky was just the name of
someone who was looking for a natural healer to work in her wellness center
which was located thirty miles away in Kutztown. It wouldn't be a paid job, but
it would be a place I could call my "office." I met her at her
wellness center the next day, and four days later we went on our first date. It
quickly became a regular thing for me to spend weekends with her, her mom, and
her daughter at the house they had just started renting in Hamburg.
Later that month, I had planned to take Becky
to my mom's house where we would have dinner after spending a weekend together.
But that never happened. While I was with Becky, I received a phone call from a
neighbor saying that my mom was taken to the hospital the previous day. Apparently,
her chronic illness of liver degeneration rendered her unable to function. This
was quite sudden since she had been quite active and able to care for herself
this whole time. Once again, life was dealing me a challenging blow. Becky did
eventually meet my mom on two occasions, but she was in the hospital during
those times. It was quite disheartening to see my mom suddenly deteriorate in
the same mannerism that my dad did. With the exception of a return back home that
lasted only five hours, my mom spent the rest of her days in the hospital. She
passed away peacefully on December 1 while in hospice care.
In all the time since my dad passed away
just 17 months earlier, it was apparent that my mom never was happy. She lost
her interest in going places, and she became weaker in stamina. While in the
hospice, she said she wasn't interested in fighting to be well. She just wanted
to go to the other side to be with dad. I know that she is there now. I was the
last family member to see her alive, just four hours before she left this
world. During the three hours I remained alone with her after the rest of the
family left, she had quite the conversations in her stuporous state with my dad
and others who had left this world. They were making sure certain things were
taken care of before she was able to go with them. She would say to them,
"I already took care of that." At 9:00 PM I said good night to her,
knowing perfectly well that she would not live through the night. At 1:30 in
the morning, my older brother called me to let me know that she passed on.
For the next 2-1/2 months, I continued
to live in the house while my older brother made plans to sell it. Not knowing
when exactly that would be, I now had the burden of finding another place to
live. My cousin in Reading said I could stay at his place. I reluctantly agreed
to this, knowing darn well that neither he nor his sister who he lived with are
psychologically stable. Besides, I would just be cooped up in the basement on a
couch. It would be yet another downhill turn. But that's not what happened.
Surprisingly, I started going uphill for a change.
During the weekends that I would spend
with Becky, it became apparent that Becky's mom was developing a relationship
with an old friend of hers. The plan was that those two would get married and
start living together at his house in August after which I could live with
Becky in Hamburg. It was a relief just knowing that even if I did live with my
cousin that that situation would only be temporary. But there was yet another
twist. I continued to live at my mom's house until March, which is when we
finally cleaned it out and put it up for sale, and Becky's mom and her
boyfriend decided that they would get married in June instead. So, since March,
I have been living in Hamburg with Becky and her nineteen-year-old daughter
Brittany. Becky's mom, Pam, is now happily married and living with her husband,
Ken, just two miles away.
Being with Becky finally brings me a
notion of being at home. I am not only sharing my life with a special woman who
says she loves me (something I rarely ever heard out of the mouth of Bianca),
but I am also in the company of a woman and her amazing daughter who accept me
for who I am, the way I am, despite my struggles, and despite having autism. They
have plenty of challenges of their own to tell about, which makes them all the
more understanding and patient with mine. With them, I feel like I have a
reason to be settled without feeling the need to run off elsewhere to find my
success.
As I said in the closing words of my
book "The Doctor Is In," success shouldn’t be measured by how much
money someone makes but in what they accomplish in life…..I endured a lot, and
I learned a lot. I accomplished a lot, and I helped, and continue to help, a
lot of people along the course of my own journey into Self-discovery. That is
success. With that in mind, I am one of the most successful people I know. And
I look forward to whatever situations, good or bad, life presents me with. They
are all my teachers; they are all what my Spiritual strength develops from.
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